I meditate most days, with some gaps for over 30 years. I have a yoga practice that is at this point occasional, BUT I have been doing yoga for over 25 years.
My tantra explorations are reading, breathing and some other exercises for 10 or 15 years. I have been 'submitting' to Goddess V for less than a year, it is hard to put an exact time on when the 'submitting' started, but the past month or so we started calling it 'submitting'.
I received my Yoga Journal in the mail today, the February issue (in December??) In an article by Sally Kempton she says:
Yoga after all, is not an escape from life but a way of taking yourself into life's pulsating heart. It will in inevitably lead you to your own vulnerability, to your raw places. But vulnerability also opens the door to love, grace and the deepest forms of healing. Your vulnerability , scary as it can be, is inseparable from your capacity for intimacy and creativity and love.
I quote this article because V had taken me to these 'raw' and 'vulnerable' places.
With the multiple orgasms I can achieve at V's command really, I get SO open, V has even said the past week, she wanted me 'raw' a 'pool of emotion'. Last night was one of the most raw, vulnerable places I have ever been. I am still recovering actually. V was with me, be it on the phone, but she was there, my continual orgasms aroused her so much, she came hard, very hard. We weren't doing yoga, as defined, we weren't doing meditation, as defined, we were doing our version of tantra and submission yet, when I read this article I recognized exactly what happened, what I felt inside. Raw emotion, vulnerable.
Our experiences grow, and grow get more deep.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Emotion
Emotions and sex. Merlin has a post that really speaks to me. I can feel what he feels. His writing goes right to the point, right to center of the feeling. The frustrations of my marriage, sexually and emotionally, the growing apart has led to this blog, led to me finding V, led to me opening up to V in ways I don't and can't to my wife.
My relationship with V even though at this point is not physical is very emotional, very open, very fulfilling for me. This time with V exploring ideas, fantasies, my body, her response to my arousal, my wanting to serve her in a personal way, is new to me, exciting to me in a way that I find I can't really put into exact words. Emotions don't always translate directly into words.
My feelings for today are of V, how she has transformed me into this new person, or as she told me one time "the passion has always been with you, and little to do with me". V told me that last summer, she is partly right, the passion is within me, but she DID bring it out. Maybe she felt that at that time, I think she knows what she is doing to me, bringing out in me now. The emotions that are surfacing in our sexual time together.
I do miss her when we are not talking, texting, my thoughts flow to the sound of her voice, the words she speaks into my ears.
Always remembering.
My relationship with V even though at this point is not physical is very emotional, very open, very fulfilling for me. This time with V exploring ideas, fantasies, my body, her response to my arousal, my wanting to serve her in a personal way, is new to me, exciting to me in a way that I find I can't really put into exact words. Emotions don't always translate directly into words.
My feelings for today are of V, how she has transformed me into this new person, or as she told me one time "the passion has always been with you, and little to do with me". V told me that last summer, she is partly right, the passion is within me, but she DID bring it out. Maybe she felt that at that time, I think she knows what she is doing to me, bringing out in me now. The emotions that are surfacing in our sexual time together.
I do miss her when we are not talking, texting, my thoughts flow to the sound of her voice, the words she speaks into my ears.
Always remembering.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Amazing occurances
Something exciting, something beyond erotic has happened between V and me.
The more I give my self to her, sexually, the more I open up, the more I want her.
The passion of this weekend is really beyond words. After Friday night, and all that passion released, there was Saturday morning. I was going out of town for the day, but had to talk to her. We did, we did get passionate, very much so. There was one orgasm where where she was pushing me to keep going, keep going, I was falling, then I heard her orgasm, she was gasping for me to keep going as she came hard, I let go into this place, visually, a blueish galaxy of blueish stars, spreading out, all there was in my world at that moment was V's voice, my orgasm, her orgasm.. words can't put the description on how I felt.
Sunday morning my thoughts were of her. I was trying to calm my body down. I was doing my morning meditation. I do a mantra meditation, but the mind wanders, and it was wandering to the orgasm I mentioned above. I was there again in my head, and out of the utter calm of my meditating mind, came a sharp burst of orgasmic intensity. VERY intense, but short, a jolt to my calm body. I wasn't touching anything, it was a remembered state, just thought triggered this orgasm. Then again later brushing my teeth of all things, I was thinking how could we do that in person, body positions..
V on top, me inside her, she whispering in my ear like she did on the phone, except this time I say back to her, come with me.. I had something like an orgasm again with just thought, it literally, sent me to my knees there in the bathroom.
Then I had a vision of holding V around the waste, breathing hard, taking in her scent hugging her hips.
It is amazing what the mind can do, when you just let go.
V allows me to let go, she pushes me to let go. And when she does, and when I do what she says, amazing things happen.
The more I give my self to her, sexually, the more I open up, the more I want her.
The passion of this weekend is really beyond words. After Friday night, and all that passion released, there was Saturday morning. I was going out of town for the day, but had to talk to her. We did, we did get passionate, very much so. There was one orgasm where where she was pushing me to keep going, keep going, I was falling, then I heard her orgasm, she was gasping for me to keep going as she came hard, I let go into this place, visually, a blueish galaxy of blueish stars, spreading out, all there was in my world at that moment was V's voice, my orgasm, her orgasm.. words can't put the description on how I felt.
Sunday morning my thoughts were of her. I was trying to calm my body down. I was doing my morning meditation. I do a mantra meditation, but the mind wanders, and it was wandering to the orgasm I mentioned above. I was there again in my head, and out of the utter calm of my meditating mind, came a sharp burst of orgasmic intensity. VERY intense, but short, a jolt to my calm body. I wasn't touching anything, it was a remembered state, just thought triggered this orgasm. Then again later brushing my teeth of all things, I was thinking how could we do that in person, body positions..
V on top, me inside her, she whispering in my ear like she did on the phone, except this time I say back to her, come with me.. I had something like an orgasm again with just thought, it literally, sent me to my knees there in the bathroom.
Then I had a vision of holding V around the waste, breathing hard, taking in her scent hugging her hips.
It is amazing what the mind can do, when you just let go.
V allows me to let go, she pushes me to let go. And when she does, and when I do what she says, amazing things happen.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
A Woman's Perspective
I asked Rogue if I could do a guest post on his blog but he did one better and enabled me to contribute to his blog! This could become very interesting. Hee hee.
Sometime this week I had a conversation with a good friend whose marriage is in trouble. She and her husband have been married for about five years and things aren't going so well. In her words, she feels like his mother and is overwhelmed. Quick summary: She does everything in the home as far as cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. She will cook dinner and serve his plate and bring his plate to him (He never expected this, this was the tone she chose to set.) There is no sex at this point and things have resorted to ugly words and hurt feelings on both sides.
I was not sure how to approach this but I took a chance. I explained how relationships are constantly evolving and that perhaps they were going at it the wrong way for them. I asked her why they do not split up the chores or take turns so she does not feel so stressed. She does not trust how he would do those things. Hmm.
Well, if you feel like a man's mother and you give off the impression that you do not trust him to do household tasks he will react like a frustrated teenager and will feel useless.
Women need to feel like women and men need to feel like men. Men like to feel as if they are useful and can do things. When you take that away from them, then it makes them frustrated and they will either shut down or explode. Women have this insane need to show to the world that they can do everything. This only leads to stress, frustration, and resentment.
Rogue and I have a different kind of relationship because of distance and other issues. However, we still enjoy exploring how we can in other ways. I gave him a fantasy task to do which he can go into more detail late, but essentially it was for him to find a way to serve me after I had spent a day out with the girls doing lunch and what not. He was so excited at such a simple task. It was still about serving me but he was able to have that control over what he did. He had the power to serve me in whatever capacity he felt appropriate for this first time.
There are similar parallels between this and my friend's situation. She has to let him in on certain aspects of the household chores and not hover or critique his efforts. Women do not realize that sometimes recognizing the effort the man makes is a big ego booster for men. A nice little circle will eventually develop: The man does something with the woman in mind (cleaning, dinner, drawing a bath), the woman recognizes and appreciates, the man feels like a man, and the woman will have a desire to do more for her man. This could work in both vanilla and non-vanilla relationships.
Back to my friend, when I asked her what her how she would feel if her husband had a simple dinner of bagged salad, cut up fruit, wine, and candles for her when she came home she had a huge smile on her face. She said she would want to hug him and kiss him. She saw my point. His best friend is also my best friend and has a good understanding of what I am talking about so that is the route we will try and pursue.
Sometime this week I had a conversation with a good friend whose marriage is in trouble. She and her husband have been married for about five years and things aren't going so well. In her words, she feels like his mother and is overwhelmed. Quick summary: She does everything in the home as far as cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. She will cook dinner and serve his plate and bring his plate to him (He never expected this, this was the tone she chose to set.) There is no sex at this point and things have resorted to ugly words and hurt feelings on both sides.
I was not sure how to approach this but I took a chance. I explained how relationships are constantly evolving and that perhaps they were going at it the wrong way for them. I asked her why they do not split up the chores or take turns so she does not feel so stressed. She does not trust how he would do those things. Hmm.
Well, if you feel like a man's mother and you give off the impression that you do not trust him to do household tasks he will react like a frustrated teenager and will feel useless.
Women need to feel like women and men need to feel like men. Men like to feel as if they are useful and can do things. When you take that away from them, then it makes them frustrated and they will either shut down or explode. Women have this insane need to show to the world that they can do everything. This only leads to stress, frustration, and resentment.
Rogue and I have a different kind of relationship because of distance and other issues. However, we still enjoy exploring how we can in other ways. I gave him a fantasy task to do which he can go into more detail late, but essentially it was for him to find a way to serve me after I had spent a day out with the girls doing lunch and what not. He was so excited at such a simple task. It was still about serving me but he was able to have that control over what he did. He had the power to serve me in whatever capacity he felt appropriate for this first time.
There are similar parallels between this and my friend's situation. She has to let him in on certain aspects of the household chores and not hover or critique his efforts. Women do not realize that sometimes recognizing the effort the man makes is a big ego booster for men. A nice little circle will eventually develop: The man does something with the woman in mind (cleaning, dinner, drawing a bath), the woman recognizes and appreciates, the man feels like a man, and the woman will have a desire to do more for her man. This could work in both vanilla and non-vanilla relationships.
Back to my friend, when I asked her what her how she would feel if her husband had a simple dinner of bagged salad, cut up fruit, wine, and candles for her when she came home she had a huge smile on her face. She said she would want to hug him and kiss him. She saw my point. His best friend is also my best friend and has a good understanding of what I am talking about so that is the route we will try and pursue.
Friday night
There was an amazing amount of teasing, and flirting Friday. We talked in the morning, then flirted most of the day, either via IM or texting. She gave me a task ( I will post that later here) it had to do with service to her. She was pleased! :) I wanted to please, and was successful. Flirting, but we couldn't make the call, my kids were around, wife still up. Then kids wanted to watch a movie.. Beauty and the Beast, they pulled out the old VHS from when they were younger. I was getting frustrated. I told V, she goes, oh stop being grumpy, I think I will watch it. I was upstairs reading, the kids were laughing... ok, ok I will go join in and watch.
I tell V, she texts back Yay! so watching the movie and there is this one line after Beast has fallen for Belle, where he says to his servant "I want to do something for her" WOW I noticed, V texted me and said did you notice that line. I said yes, I thought of you!
So cosmic, an entire review of the movie could be based on service of Beast to Bell once he falls for her.
Kids go off to bed, except oldest son, he is hanging around, up late.
It took into the wee hours before son was out and V and I could connect.
We did, we explored multiple orgasms again, and again, and again. I lost track again how many times I had an orgasm, she came hard twice as I remember. Her last time while I was in the middle of this long orgasm, like I posted before rubbing my pernium spot behind my balls. V was telling me to keep cumming, keep it up.. she came.. HARD and kept me cumming. It was amazing. During the orgasm when we were cumming at the same time.. I felt I fell into her orgasm, all kinds of lights went off and I felt like we merged for a bit.
Last night was amazing.
I tell V, she texts back Yay! so watching the movie and there is this one line after Beast has fallen for Belle, where he says to his servant "I want to do something for her" WOW I noticed, V texted me and said did you notice that line. I said yes, I thought of you!
So cosmic, an entire review of the movie could be based on service of Beast to Bell once he falls for her.
Kids go off to bed, except oldest son, he is hanging around, up late.
It took into the wee hours before son was out and V and I could connect.
We did, we explored multiple orgasms again, and again, and again. I lost track again how many times I had an orgasm, she came hard twice as I remember. Her last time while I was in the middle of this long orgasm, like I posted before rubbing my pernium spot behind my balls. V was telling me to keep cumming, keep it up.. she came.. HARD and kept me cumming. It was amazing. During the orgasm when we were cumming at the same time.. I felt I fell into her orgasm, all kinds of lights went off and I felt like we merged for a bit.
Last night was amazing.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Arousing
V arouses me like no other woman, EVER.
Her words in my hears, her texts on my phone, even her IM's about random things, life in general.
Her being arouses me.
But most of all her voice.
We couldn't talk yesterday, or last night. We were texting, she was teasing. I was waiting for kids to go to bed. They were up last, watching movies, just not giving dad any private space!
V was aroused, I was aroused.
She then sends me a pic on my phone. Nothing overtly sexual, not nude...
but the cleavage, the suggestion of what was underneath... OMG I had to go to bed to sleep thinking of her and not be fulfilled, not satisfied sexually, no orgasms. Not intended to be denial, it just worked out that way.
We did talk some this morning, mostly about some drama in her extended family. We did get to talk though. Hopefully we can get for a longer conversation later tonight.
Hopefully.
Her words in my hears, her texts on my phone, even her IM's about random things, life in general.
Her being arouses me.
But most of all her voice.
We couldn't talk yesterday, or last night. We were texting, she was teasing. I was waiting for kids to go to bed. They were up last, watching movies, just not giving dad any private space!
V was aroused, I was aroused.
She then sends me a pic on my phone. Nothing overtly sexual, not nude...
but the cleavage, the suggestion of what was underneath... OMG I had to go to bed to sleep thinking of her and not be fulfilled, not satisfied sexually, no orgasms. Not intended to be denial, it just worked out that way.
We did talk some this morning, mostly about some drama in her extended family. We did get to talk though. Hopefully we can get for a longer conversation later tonight.
Hopefully.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Serving?
V and I texted, IM'd and talked some more this morning.
The idea doing something for the lover, for her. She mentioned some things that would make her feel served. Making her dinner, some other things I won't mention, shaving her, applying lotion. When she was telling me these things, I got aroused, hard. Just thinking of doing something for her, doing, serving really some things that may or may not be arousing to her, and not in a seductive way by me. I wouldn't be doing these things to get sex, just because she liked them and maybe aroused her. Her response in an appreciative way WOULD be to give me what I wanted and that is sex.
The concept is not new to me, but in this context it is very arousing to me.
Distance complicates the matter, physical distance makes actually doing these things impossible, which on one level makes me sad because I would love to do them for her. Serve her in some way special, do some special for her, just to make her happy, just to make her feel good, just to make her smile. I want to do that something for her, to serve her.
The idea doing something for the lover, for her. She mentioned some things that would make her feel served. Making her dinner, some other things I won't mention, shaving her, applying lotion. When she was telling me these things, I got aroused, hard. Just thinking of doing something for her, doing, serving really some things that may or may not be arousing to her, and not in a seductive way by me. I wouldn't be doing these things to get sex, just because she liked them and maybe aroused her. Her response in an appreciative way WOULD be to give me what I wanted and that is sex.
The concept is not new to me, but in this context it is very arousing to me.
Distance complicates the matter, physical distance makes actually doing these things impossible, which on one level makes me sad because I would love to do them for her. Serve her in some way special, do some special for her, just to make her happy, just to make her feel good, just to make her smile. I want to do that something for her, to serve her.
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