Friday, March 27, 2009

A Dream

I feel the need to write this.

A dream I had this morning.

I am looking at myself in a mirror. Face and shoulders and chest.
Odd I can never remember seeing my own face in a dream before.

I am thinking in my dream, how do others see me? How do women see me, see my body language?

I then immediately see tension in my face and shoulders, I tell myself to just relax, just relax.
I see my face soften, my shoulders drop..

I tell myself again, "yes, just relax more"

Very introspective dream?

Has some deep meaning.. I guess I need to relax more :)


business trip coming up.

FREE time.


Longing for her voice.
Feeling the need to communicate.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Trip encounter

As you can tell, we are not talking directly at the moment, our mutual decision at this point. Frustrating? HELL YES. Do I want to talk to her? YES.

We did have a great time recently. I saw or maybe realized a different side of V, a very tender side. She was so supportive of me and my dilemma . I also realized more of our feelings toward each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. Well there is something to that, but there is also a closeness brought on by talking or contact every day. Then when that every day contact is taken away, the absence is more profound, a deep longing arises that had been there, but becomes more profound.
A sense of need of the other. A sense of "I just want to feel your presence". We will just have to see how things develop, I miss her SO MUCH!
Her voice, her little laughs, and as she says, I miss her "enjoy tormenting" me, those are such lovely arousing times.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Rogue and I had some time to talk while he was away on a business venture but originally he did not plan to talk. I knew he was away and was able to talk but I also knew that he was trying not to communicate with me. Eventually, he found himself in a state of intoxication before he ended up sending me a text message. It was a very emotional time for him. This has been a challenge for both of us. The recent discovery has also given me a scare. A part of me is terrified that I will be sought after by an angry wife or someone else close to Rogue. I could very well lose my job if that were to happen. That sort of behavior would not be tolerated.

The complications continue.

But, we were also able to come (cum) together in several wonderful releases that seemed to make things okay for a short while. I do so enjoy tormenting him through those releases.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Follow up

My Goddess V...

she told you what happened....

our text messages were discovered...
lesson learned.. always clear text messages..
always clear url's (lesson learned earlier)

well... the discovery caused much pain, emotional, with me, V and my wife.. the past almost 2 weeks now..

My wife told me.. 'I want to hate you'

V tells me.. " just tell me what you want"

lots more.. but V has been such emotional support, the past year, always there.. wife now monitoring every move at home, internet, phone calls, checking my cell phone,.. I am in a state of paranoia plus..
I just don't know what to do..

V said in her last post,.. she felt confused by me.. she has given a LOT to me..... and she felt I was 'jerking her around' even if it was unintentional...

I was(am) hurting everybody..... I am in a state of confusion, emotional isolation, sexual island... alone.. without anything....

wife hates me... V not knowing what to do... V wanting to give me support....

I want to talk to V.. I want her voice in my ear...

I need something solid, something warm, soft.. to just hold at this point in time..

I have a cold bed...

I am traveling this week.. normally I would be talking to V every night... long...
She has other commitments anyway.. I knew about before the discovery of the cell phone messages....
even if I texted her.. she couldn't talk....

V has been such a light in my life the past year...
She has shown me many things... she has always been there..
emotionally, sexually(via phone) even just a friend some times..
but she has given me a LOT, A LOT.... more than I ever asked, freely openly...
she has invested a lot of emotion in me.. in ME

I want her still.,...
I want her always...

YET this week I am alone....
totally alone

Friday, March 6, 2009


I spoke to Rogue last night and I mentioned to him that we needed to update everyone on the latest and not-so-greatest of recent events. Long story short - our text messages were discovered. It has really stirred up a hornet's nest of things. Communication is now relatively non-existent. We talked some last night but I was very frustrated and tired because of other things. I respect his life and those in it, however, the whole I-don't-know-what-to-do thing frustrated me. We had talked about this possibility and I expressed that I had no problem with stepping back so that he could focus on his other responsibilities. It was not an idea that appealed to Rogue.

After intermittent discussions, I decided that I would not be the one to contact him. Typically, he initiates communication.

Then, after that conversation, he decided that was too hard for him and so he texted last night and we talked for a while. I do not mind the lack of communication so much as the "no, we won't talk" followed by "yes, we will" followed by "no, we won't, but maybe we will".

I know this is a difficult time for him and I want to be supportive - even if that means removing myself from the situation to allow him better focus on other things that may require his attention.

Rogue will likely offer his own views of the recent events and I will continue to support him as he needs through this. But a person can only give so much emotional energy.