Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Yoga, Meditation, submission and Tantra

I meditate most days, with some gaps for over 30 years. I have a yoga practice that is at this point occasional, BUT I have been doing yoga for over 25 years.
My tantra explorations are reading, breathing and some other exercises for 10 or 15 years. I have been 'submitting' to Goddess V for less than a year, it is hard to put an exact time on when the 'submitting' started, but the past month or so we started calling it 'submitting'.
I received my Yoga Journal in the mail today, the February issue (in December??) In an article by Sally Kempton she says:
Yoga after all, is not an escape from life but a way of taking yourself into life's pulsating heart. It will in inevitably lead you to your own vulnerability, to your raw places. But vulnerability also opens the door to love, grace and the deepest forms of healing. Your vulnerability , scary as it can be, is inseparable from your capacity for intimacy and creativity and love.

I quote this article because V had taken me to these 'raw' and 'vulnerable' places.
With the multiple orgasms I can achieve at V's command really, I get SO open, V has even said the past week, she wanted me 'raw' a 'pool of emotion'. Last night was one of the most raw, vulnerable places I have ever been. I am still recovering actually. V was with me, be it on the phone, but she was there, my continual orgasms aroused her so much, she came hard, very hard. We weren't doing yoga, as defined, we weren't doing meditation, as defined, we were doing our version of tantra and submission yet, when I read this article I recognized exactly what happened, what I felt inside. Raw emotion, vulnerable.

Our experiences grow, and grow get more deep.


Emotions and sex. Merlin has a post that really speaks to me. I can feel what he feels. His writing goes right to the point, right to center of the feeling. The frustrations of my marriage, sexually and emotionally, the growing apart has led to this blog, led to me finding V, led to me opening up to V in ways I don't and can't to my wife.
My relationship with V even though at this point is not physical is very emotional, very open, very fulfilling for me. This time with V exploring ideas, fantasies, my body, her response to my arousal, my wanting to serve her in a personal way, is new to me, exciting to me in a way that I find I can't really put into exact words. Emotions don't always translate directly into words.

My feelings for today are of V, how she has transformed me into this new person, or as she told me one time "the passion has always been with you, and little to do with me". V told me that last summer, she is partly right, the passion is within me, but she DID bring it out. Maybe she felt that at that time, I think she knows what she is doing to me, bringing out in me now. The emotions that are surfacing in our sexual time together.
I do miss her when we are not talking, texting, my thoughts flow to the sound of her voice, the words she speaks into my ears.
Always remembering.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Amazing occurances

Something exciting, something beyond erotic has happened between V and me.
The more I give my self to her, sexually, the more I open up, the more I want her.

The passion of this weekend is really beyond words. After Friday night, and all that passion released, there was Saturday morning. I was going out of town for the day, but had to talk to her. We did, we did get passionate, very much so. There was one orgasm where where she was pushing me to keep going, keep going, I was falling, then I heard her orgasm, she was gasping for me to keep going as she came hard, I let go into this place, visually, a blueish galaxy of blueish stars, spreading out, all there was in my world at that moment was V's voice, my orgasm, her orgasm.. words can't put the description on how I felt.

Sunday morning my thoughts were of her. I was trying to calm my body down. I was doing my morning meditation. I do a mantra meditation, but the mind wanders, and it was wandering to the orgasm I mentioned above. I was there again in my head, and out of the utter calm of my meditating mind, came a sharp burst of orgasmic intensity. VERY intense, but short, a jolt to my calm body. I wasn't touching anything, it was a remembered state, just thought triggered this orgasm. Then again later brushing my teeth of all things, I was thinking how could we do that in person, body positions..
V on top, me inside her, she whispering in my ear like she did on the phone, except this time I say back to her, come with me.. I had something like an orgasm again with just thought, it literally, sent me to my knees there in the bathroom.
Then I had a vision of holding V around the waste, breathing hard, taking in her scent hugging her hips.

It is amazing what the mind can do, when you just let go.
V allows me to let go, she pushes me to let go. And when she does, and when I do what she says, amazing things happen.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Woman's Perspective

I asked Rogue if I could do a guest post on his blog but he did one better and enabled me to contribute to his blog! This could become very interesting. Hee hee.

Sometime this week I had a conversation with a good friend whose marriage is in trouble. She and her husband have been married for about five years and things aren't going so well. In her words, she feels like his mother and is overwhelmed. Quick summary: She does everything in the home as far as cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. She will cook dinner and serve his plate and bring his plate to him (He never expected this, this was the tone she chose to set.) There is no sex at this point and things have resorted to ugly words and hurt feelings on both sides.

I was not sure how to approach this but I took a chance. I explained how relationships are constantly evolving and that perhaps they were going at it the wrong way for them. I asked her why they do not split up the chores or take turns so she does not feel so stressed. She does not trust how he would do those things. Hmm.

Well, if you feel like a man's mother and you give off the impression that you do not trust him to do household tasks he will react like a frustrated teenager and will feel useless.

Women need to feel like women and men need to feel like men. Men like to feel as if they are useful and can do things. When you take that away from them, then it makes them frustrated and they will either shut down or explode. Women have this insane need to show to the world that they can do everything. This only leads to stress, frustration, and resentment.

Rogue and I have a different kind of relationship because of distance and other issues. However, we still enjoy exploring how we can in other ways. I gave him a fantasy task to do which he can go into more detail late, but essentially it was for him to find a way to serve me after I had spent a day out with the girls doing lunch and what not. He was so excited at such a simple task. It was still about serving me but he was able to have that control over what he did. He had the power to serve me in whatever capacity he felt appropriate for this first time.

There are similar parallels between this and my friend's situation. She has to let him in on certain aspects of the household chores and not hover or critique his efforts. Women do not realize that sometimes recognizing the effort the man makes is a big ego booster for men. A nice little circle will eventually develop: The man does something with the woman in mind (cleaning, dinner, drawing a bath), the woman recognizes and appreciates, the man feels like a man, and the woman will have a desire to do more for her man. This could work in both vanilla and non-vanilla relationships.

Back to my friend, when I asked her what her how she would feel if her husband had a simple dinner of bagged salad, cut up fruit, wine, and candles for her when she came home she had a huge smile on her face. She said she would want to hug him and kiss him. She saw my point. His best friend is also my best friend and has a good understanding of what I am talking about so that is the route we will try and pursue.

Friday night

There was an amazing amount of teasing, and flirting Friday. We talked in the morning, then flirted most of the day, either via IM or texting. She gave me a task ( I will post that later here) it had to do with service to her. She was pleased! :) I wanted to please, and was successful. Flirting, but we couldn't make the call, my kids were around, wife still up. Then kids wanted to watch a movie.. Beauty and the Beast, they pulled out the old VHS from when they were younger. I was getting frustrated. I told V, she goes, oh stop being grumpy, I think I will watch it. I was upstairs reading, the kids were laughing... ok, ok I will go join in and watch.
I tell V, she texts back Yay! so watching the movie and there is this one line after Beast has fallen for Belle, where he says to his servant "I want to do something for her" WOW I noticed, V texted me and said did you notice that line. I said yes, I thought of you!
So cosmic, an entire review of the movie could be based on service of Beast to Bell once he falls for her.
Kids go off to bed, except oldest son, he is hanging around, up late.
It took into the wee hours before son was out and V and I could connect.
We did, we explored multiple orgasms again, and again, and again. I lost track again how many times I had an orgasm, she came hard twice as I remember. Her last time while I was in the middle of this long orgasm, like I posted before rubbing my pernium spot behind my balls. V was telling me to keep cumming, keep it up.. she came.. HARD and kept me cumming. It was amazing. During the orgasm when we were cumming at the same time.. I felt I fell into her orgasm, all kinds of lights went off and I felt like we merged for a bit.
Last night was amazing.

Friday, December 26, 2008


V arouses me like no other woman, EVER.
Her words in my hears, her texts on my phone, even her IM's about random things, life in general.
Her being arouses me.
But most of all her voice.
We couldn't talk yesterday, or last night. We were texting, she was teasing. I was waiting for kids to go to bed. They were up last, watching movies, just not giving dad any private space!
V was aroused, I was aroused.
She then sends me a pic on my phone. Nothing overtly sexual, not nude...
but the cleavage, the suggestion of what was underneath... OMG I had to go to bed to sleep thinking of her and not be fulfilled, not satisfied sexually, no orgasms. Not intended to be denial, it just worked out that way.
We did talk some this morning, mostly about some drama in her extended family. We did get to talk though. Hopefully we can get for a longer conversation later tonight.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008


V and I texted, IM'd and talked some more this morning.

The idea doing something for the lover, for her. She mentioned some things that would make her feel served. Making her dinner, some other things I won't mention, shaving her, applying lotion. When she was telling me these things, I got aroused, hard. Just thinking of doing something for her, doing, serving really some things that may or may not be arousing to her, and not in a seductive way by me. I wouldn't be doing these things to get sex, just because she liked them and maybe aroused her. Her response in an appreciative way WOULD be to give me what I wanted and that is sex.

The concept is not new to me, but in this context it is very arousing to me.

Distance complicates the matter, physical distance makes actually doing these things impossible, which on one level makes me sad because I would love to do them for her. Serve her in some way special, do some special for her, just to make her happy, just to make her feel good, just to make her smile. I want to do that something for her, to serve her.

Release from Denial

I had a feeling there would be release. Not likely to talk for a few days. She had hinted at it the previous night, but was sick.

So after my post last night.
More flirting texts, some flirting IM's.
I IM'd V... I am getting a blanket and heading to the sofa..
give me a couple of minutes she said..

I can detect erotic feelings in V's voice. I knew she was up to something special last night.

I have mentioned before I have worked on this ability to have an orgasm without 'cumming' or ejaculating. V takes this ability and is able to make me have an orgasm on demand. I have to be in an aroused state. It is like she has me hypnotized really.
We having some erotic talk, and out of nowhere she says.. 'Come NOW, NOW' damn I came. My body responds to her words so fast, I wasn't prepared for that orgasm, I didn't trigger it, SHE did. That was the first one. There were many. V said she stopped counting at 7. There must have been 15 orgasms. This is her idea, to give me all of these orgasms. I would love to give her 15 20 orgasms like she gives me.. and I can do it, I have done it to other women in the past.... BUT V says my orgasms make her wet, aroused. She said she hadn't touched herself and she had soaked herself and her sheets... OMG saying that got me hard as well.. I had to orgasm knowing how wet I was making her...

My tantric goddess V has had me stimulate the perineum a spot between the balls and the anus. It took a few tries for me to locate the spot.. a bundle of nerves, that is NOW a trigger for orgasm. with little stimulation I can orgasms quite easily.
V will have me touch that spot alone or in combination with nipple pinching, or stroking the head of my cock. IT ALL works. It all works. Last night one time even I had an orgasm from just pinching my nipples. I was blown away. This was way into the orgasmic frenzy I was into last night. I was riding that orgasm trigger anyway, but it felt good and very powerful.

After many orgasms V had me stimulating the perineum, told me to "CUM NOW, CUM hard" this was powerful, she said "don't stop, keep cumming, don't stop" I came and came and came.. It unblocked SO many internal help emotions, deep long held in my body emotions, raw, very raw.. I was curled in a ball, I felt helpless, just her voice and my orgasm that was in her control, I had given my orgasm to her, for her pleasure, and she was using it to clear me out, to make me a puddle of helpless man. At one point I remember I was almost crying, and I said, "hold me, just hold me V", she kept saying 'its ok, its ok' I don't know how long the orgasm lasted, I do know it took me several minutes to recover, mentally and emotionally. I was at that point in emotion, raw, totally open to her. She wanted to know what I felt, I told her exactly how I felt in that moment about her, everything. We talked for a while, and I was getting aroused again, I wanted to cum this time, not just an orgasm, but a blow out orgasm, she said I need to want it more, we rode this deep desire, her desire peaking, I could tell she was getting very close to an orgasm... and when she said cum now, cum for me... I did.. a very long deep, gushing orgasm, my orgasm went on after I stopped cumming, it went on and on in a wave.

Last night was so amazing, totally spent, soaked in sweat, emotionally free, totally enraptured with V, totally submitted to her. I still feel SO GOOD this morning. My words can't convey how good I feel at the moment, or how good it was last night.

V can be forceful, demanding, but she has this very tender side, this caring side that totally captures me.

I am hers, and she knows it.

side note
another thing we have not done, but is out there to do:
male g spot

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

More tease?

I mentioned the emails yesterday about the denial I was going through yesterday.

Later last night we texted and said, hhmm and here I was going to let you cum tonight. I called her in like 10 seconds.
She had a cold.. a BAD cold..
we talked but the arousal wasn't there. I mean she was in bad shape.
I let her fall asleep, it was fine actually. I like to hear her sleep.

Well today was another same thing from wife day, well after fight with wife. No talking. I had shopping to do.. I was out of the house, not knowing when I would get home.
Traffic, damn traffic. I text V, she is at work, but we talk for a few minutes, her voice MUCH improved. She said she would be up tonight. Maybe we could get together..
oh, boy...
well, kids around etc.. she then texts me and says, what good is denial without some teasing?... I am like YEAH.. I get denial from my wife all the damn time..
wow a flurry of texts.. with 2 boys.. they are both in college and wife in the room.. damn talk about on the edge there.. boys must know something is going on.. wife just occupies herself in her book...

so here we are.. will the boys go to bed? will I get off the denial tonight?
at least there is arousal now!

Monday, December 22, 2008

The intensity of today's feelins with denial

This morning-- I wrote V some in emails--

There was a lot of just piled up frustration. It got all mixed in my head. I was aroused upon waking, then other things happened. Deep frustration. Getting it out in an email to V helped a lot, just writing that email to her getting the frustrations solid out of my head, then I remembered to breathe.. I have been doing like a meditation breathing all day.. breathe in down the front of my body into my 'balls' then breathe out back up my spine to my head. Sometimes I clenched my pelvic floor, (in other words did my keigle, contract the pc muscle). Channeling that sexual charged energy throughout my body.

V sent me a text telling me she had sent an email response. I read later read that and it made me feel SO good...
Part of what she said was "be patient...and know that i do have your best interests at heart...and when you do cum...it will be all that more powerful...it is what i want..."

that was powerful, very powerful, V knows exactly what to say to me, and I DO know she has my best interests at heart, I do know that, remembering that in times of frustration is what today seems to be about, and remembering to breathe.

I am walking around with this sexual energy flowing through my entire body, pulsating, desire...
While driving around and listening to music and just breathing I touched my trigger point for orgasm many times today. I have not had an orgasm, I am controlling it, but I can touch it at a moments notice, I am riding a wave today..

Why a Rogue

Why do I call myself a Rogue?

from this Company Rogue Ales
we get this list of qualities of a Rogue:

Rogues take risks.
• Rogues are willing to shun titles and personal financial success in the
pursuit of the greater good.
• Rogues pursue the long shot.
• Rogues have respect for diversity.
• Rogues are never satisfied to rest on past laurels.
• Rogues work hard.
• Rogues are driven to succeed in their chosen field.
• Rogues ignore the accepted patterns and blaze their own trails.
• Rogues have raw talent and focus on that talent.
• Rogues are honest with themselves and others.
• Rogues are rebels.
• Rogues have one foot in reality to let them get the job done, but they are, nonetheless, led by their dreams.

A beer company I know, are you serious you ask?

Just read what this philosophy says and you will understand a little more of me. I take information, from many sources, all sources and use what I feel works for me, I am a rebel at heart, I take risks, I am in essence led my dreams. With respect to sexual aspects of Tantra and D&S I am doing this: ignore the accepted patterns and blaze their own trails. All of this with the help and support of my Tantric Goddess V. Without her none of what has happened would have happened the way it has.

Current progress with V

V thinks I should experience some denial. So I have not had an orgasm with her since Friday night. I did have sex with my wife Saturday morning. It was strange, in that I was wondering if I could even get hard after Friday nights orgasmic blow out with V. But I did, wife was horny. I got hard, I could feel inside me I couldn't cum, but I could feel that trigger point for the orgasm. I had 4 or 5 orgasms with her, but wife is pretty silent, not very emotional in bed. So I had orgasms, but they were not fulfilling in the least. They just made me more aroused.
As this blog develops I will list some other sources Taoist mainly, Mantick Chia and some others who explain the non-ejaculatory orgasms, and how with a man has them his arousal stays, even grows stronger.

Ok so back to V. We have talked and teased, talked about this blog, talked about what how our relationship has grown the past 2 weeks into what it is now. It is very erotic to put this out for the world to see, in her words "give people a peek in our bedroom". That was quite erotic when she said that and I write this.

Last night we talked, I was really pumped up, even though she had said no, you will have to wait, no orgasms for you. Still I wanted one, I wanted one desperately. BUT like I said I have given control of my orgasms to her. So last night.. after much talking teasing she was aroused, she was not going to allow me to cum or orgasm, I did want to just hear her orgasm, that would be good, that would be something.
So I got to hear a powerful orgasm of V's, as she described the scene of her pleasuring herself and me just watching, and me on the phone moaning with desire and passion to cum, that ramped her arousal into her orgasm.

This morning I get a different feeling; frustration, coupled with arousal. A bit of anger in there as well. I want an affair, emotional and physical BECAUSE of the lack of sex and emotional connection with wife. To get denial from V as well is aaarrrg, so frustrating. I am working through this. I am doing a LOT of breathing today, at this moment actually to keep the frustration down.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Tantric Journey

I was talking to V this morning about this blog and she suggested a web page that asked the questions I was asking.

Tantric Journey

check it out.
the questions they ask are:

1)Have you ever felt incomplete during sex because your partner has already "landed" before you have even had a chance to "take off"?

2)Have you ever glimpsed an ecstatic moment in love and later felt that you did not know the way back?

3)Have you ever wished to be touched at the core of your being, yet felt afraid to open your self up and be vulnerable?

4) Have you ever felt bored with sex in a long-term relationship and found yourself wishing you could capture the passion that used to make sex between you so exciting?

5)Whilst making love or just afterwords, have you ever wondered: Isn't there more to sex, than this?

I have felt with V incredible pleasure, giving, wanting her pleasure. With her help this this week, by giving control of my orgasms to her I became multi-orgasmic.
More specifically multi-orgasmic on command, at will. This is simple really but it goes deep. A lot of trust involved. This trust is earned or develops over time. We have it. I gave control to her and her intention was to make me cum over and over and over. I had experienced non-ejaculatory orgasms before(being multi-orgasmimc). Both with V and with my wife. But this past week, she could feel something in my voice, and she pushed me to a point where I completely let go into her into her words and experienced some release of deep emotions, orgasm after orgasm. This is the way sex should be.

Beginnings- First Post

This is the start of exploring my journey through Tantra and D&S. I will use more tantra terms and ideas, but I am also beginning to experience some incredible sexual fulfillment as a 'sub' to my tantric goddess V.

About me:

1- Married for a long time. Sexually unfilled as my wife and I have grown apart sexually. I am not actively seeking a divorce, there are reasons, but that is a possibility.
2- I have read, studied tantra for years. I have been doing yoga for 20+ years. I have been meditating for longer.
3- I have had numerous emotional affairs via the internet. Emotional in that I have met 2 women in person over the years of the many I have had 'phone sex' with.
4- My latest emotional affair is with V. I will call her V most of the time, she will comment on this blog as well.
5- With V we have explored a lot of sexual experiences, long distance, on the phone mostly. We have not met in person.
6- V is more of a dominant person in the sexual relationship. We are exploring for her and for me the D&S philosophy. She is the more dominant one in our 'sexual' encounters.
7- Recently, and as I write this I mean this past week we have reached such new heights of sexual arousal that I need a way to get more feedback and write about my experiences.
  • I have become multi-orgasmic upon her direction at will
  • 6 or more orgasms for me, at times V just saying to me 'cum now'
  • My arousal, my orgasms are such a turn on to V she is experiencing something new to her
  • I trust V completely