Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Woman's Perspective

I asked Rogue if I could do a guest post on his blog but he did one better and enabled me to contribute to his blog! This could become very interesting. Hee hee.

Sometime this week I had a conversation with a good friend whose marriage is in trouble. She and her husband have been married for about five years and things aren't going so well. In her words, she feels like his mother and is overwhelmed. Quick summary: She does everything in the home as far as cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. She will cook dinner and serve his plate and bring his plate to him (He never expected this, this was the tone she chose to set.) There is no sex at this point and things have resorted to ugly words and hurt feelings on both sides.

I was not sure how to approach this but I took a chance. I explained how relationships are constantly evolving and that perhaps they were going at it the wrong way for them. I asked her why they do not split up the chores or take turns so she does not feel so stressed. She does not trust how he would do those things. Hmm.

Well, if you feel like a man's mother and you give off the impression that you do not trust him to do household tasks he will react like a frustrated teenager and will feel useless.

Women need to feel like women and men need to feel like men. Men like to feel as if they are useful and can do things. When you take that away from them, then it makes them frustrated and they will either shut down or explode. Women have this insane need to show to the world that they can do everything. This only leads to stress, frustration, and resentment.

Rogue and I have a different kind of relationship because of distance and other issues. However, we still enjoy exploring how we can in other ways. I gave him a fantasy task to do which he can go into more detail late, but essentially it was for him to find a way to serve me after I had spent a day out with the girls doing lunch and what not. He was so excited at such a simple task. It was still about serving me but he was able to have that control over what he did. He had the power to serve me in whatever capacity he felt appropriate for this first time.

There are similar parallels between this and my friend's situation. She has to let him in on certain aspects of the household chores and not hover or critique his efforts. Women do not realize that sometimes recognizing the effort the man makes is a big ego booster for men. A nice little circle will eventually develop: The man does something with the woman in mind (cleaning, dinner, drawing a bath), the woman recognizes and appreciates, the man feels like a man, and the woman will have a desire to do more for her man. This could work in both vanilla and non-vanilla relationships.

Back to my friend, when I asked her what her how she would feel if her husband had a simple dinner of bagged salad, cut up fruit, wine, and candles for her when she came home she had a huge smile on her face. She said she would want to hug him and kiss him. She saw my point. His best friend is also my best friend and has a good understanding of what I am talking about so that is the route we will try and pursue.

1 comment:

  1. Women do feel the need to be able to do everything, but taking the plate to him and cutting up his food for him and such is a little excessive. If he's not helping (because she's not letting him perhaps or doesn't trust him to do it right) then the problems are going to continue.

    She's got to let him at least try to do something around the house. Otherwise, he's going to just keep taking advantage of not having to do anything, whether he feels helpless or not.